Good day my Wonderful Friend!
In my coaching practice, I have people coming with different issues and pains. So they are coming for a solution, and they are taking steps to change their lives for the better. They show their commitment, and they take action. But there is one common thing that I see in most of them. Regardless of what area of life they are complaining about, they all feel something in common. They feel STUCK!
Some of my clients got stuck in a loveless or sexless marriage and have no clue how to fix it. Some are stuck in boring jobs or working under a moody “Mr. Demotivator” boss. Some clients are stuck in their plateaued weight and can’t lose another kilo unless they cut their arm off. Another category of clients is stuck in their single life and lie to themselves that they are better off being single and free, but deep inside wishing to be a loving relationship. They are stuck because they are scared to get hurt in love or feel weak to take responsibility for a future family. I have clients who are stuck in financial issues and feel deeply buried inside their endless debts. They have a bad relationship with money and money runs away from them to live in other banks or other peoples’ wallets. Another group of clients is stuck in their constant need for approval, either by friends and family or by the strangers in media who put likes in their profiles.
Looks like we are all stuck in one or more areas of our lives.
What I would like to share with you is my observation about the type of clients that were able to get unstuck and move forward much faster than others. What is the deciding factor in their rapid progress?
These successful clients understood the power of the BRAIN in our daily lives.
They quickly learn that transforming their brain functioning will lead to happier emotions. They realize that our feelings do not reflect reality. Our emotions reflect the way we interpret the reality in our brains.
I remember one client, let’s call him Allan. At his first session, he complained that he got stuck in a job that he did not like.
“ I am Junior Architect, but 90% of my day I am dealing with annoying suppliers and sorting out administrative issues. I am not using the creative side of my brain at all. I have no mentor, and I feel as if I am wearing a hat of invisibility. Nobody notices me at work.”
Allan felt stuck in that job for the last 2 years but didn’t know what to do. He could not quit his job and look for another one because he felt responsible for his elderly mother who lived with him. He could not leave the job he hated because of his financial restraints.
Step number one: Power of Positive Focus
The number one step to becoming unstuck from the situation was to ask yourself a question: “What do I want?” and focus on the desired result instead of negatively thinking about a hopeless situation.
Allan wanted to have more creative tasks in designing new architectural concepts or even restoring old buildings. “I really hope to have a supportive boss that I can learn from, I am inexperienced and young, I want professional training. I want to work with a friendly team. And then he added: “…And I want my mother to be proud of me.”
Step number two: Change Your Inner-Talk
I asked Allan to count the times he engaged in negative self-talk every day and write it down. He was shocked with how often he heard a self-defeating and self-critical voice in his head. The list consisted of phrases like: “No one likes me at work, it’s impossible to find a new job in today’s market, I wasted my time at the university to become an Architect and now I am doing this stupid admin work. My boss probably thinks that I am useless. I can’t make my mother proud. If I asked my boss to give me creative projects, I am sure he will refuse.”
If you decide to get unstuck from an unwanted situation in your life, it is imperative to talk to yourself with love and compassion and replace self-criticism and negativity with encouraging statements. Allan was a highly-disciplined client and started to catch and replace unsupportive phrases with positive phrases in his head. For example, instead of “No one likes me” he substituted “I am a likable person, they just need to get to know me more.” Instead of: It’s impossible to find a new job in today’s market” he thought silently “I can find a job in any market situation because I am a lucky person and a great employee.”
After a couple of weeks of continuous self-encouragement, Allan’s attitude toward himself and others quickly changed. When I saw improvement in his confidence, I asked him to take the next step.
Step Number Three: Get Busy/Take Actions
When you build up your mental strength and feel emotionally stronger, it’s time to take action.
There is nothing more important than taking deliberate and conscious action to keep your attention focused on your goal.
As homework I asked Allan to do three things in the next seven days:
- Firstly, his task was to ask his mother if she was proud of him.
- Secondly, to approach his boss with a request to give him more creative projects.
- Thirdly, to establish contact with at least one co-worker and invite him for coffee.
A week later Allan reported to me with enthusiasm his accomplishments. His mother said that she was proud of him and was surprised that Allan could doubt that. YAY! His negative thoughts about his mom proved to be wrong! We need to remember that worrying is most often just a waste of time.
As a successful client, Allan kept in mind how just how little of what he feared would ever really happen: in fact, 98% of our worries never come true!
Another good news was that Allan was finally able to speak to his boss. “He was not super helpful or promising, but at least he did not refuse me and that he needed to think about suitable projects for my level,” Allan told me. “I am happy I tried, even though I don’t hear the answers I want, at least I feel stronger just because I spoke up.” He added. How often without even trying we give up because we are afraid to get hurt by rejection. Most of the time, people are not as horrible as we picture them in our heads, and we have more chances to get a “yes” than we think.
Allan connected with one of the young civil engineers in the office, and they planned to have lunch with him early next week. Another small success! Even when we start taking tiny steps and claim our power, the higher the force, the Universe, our God notices our efforts and the solutions we seek to come to us. When the solutions and opportunities start showing up in our lives, we need to be mentally-, physically- and emotionally-ready to implement and act upon those solutions.
Allan and I did some more work, and he started to feel more confident in himself and his abilities. The key to his success (and to the success of my other clients) is a day-to-day repetition of positive, affirmative thoughts followed by actions, even they are only small actions. When positive thoughts are practiced to the point of becoming habitual, they lead to more constant and consistent happier emotions and to productive actions. It was fascinating and affirming to observe how the discipline of daily repetition of positive thoughts literally changed Allan’s body chemistry, his level of energy and overall outlook on life!
In turn, his new energy level affected everything he did, and Allan started feeling more in touch with imminent vision, and now had more energy to follow his dreams. I notice something similar to a ripple effect on my clients, who started focusing on fixing at least one area of their life. Then, the entire process of deliberate and focused action-taking became synergistic, while other areas of life improved miraculously.
In which area of your life do you feel stuck today? What steps can you take today to start getting unstuck, my friend?